The big fall, the bigger fail

I failed. Yet again. 

If you guys have been keeping track of my limited number of posts, you would know that I have had an eating disorder for quite a while now. It is through this blog that I manage to pour my heart out and maybe give you tips on how to manage your diet. When I started out, I was motivated like nothing before and wanted to get a serious program out. I wanted to see through the entire Kris Gethin Workout, and for three months I relentlessly persevered. I worked out hard, I ate a limited amount, and just when I was about to achieve my goal, something happened.

Actually, a lot of things happened. These factors combined just pushed me off track.

Firstly. the gym I went to unexpectedly closed down for repairs. I know what you’re thinking. Exercise could be anything. I could have just run around the block. At this point however, I had reached a stage of intense workouts and running just didn’t cut it. I’d go to the gym each day expecting it to start, but the trainer always told me to come back two days later and check. They were revamping the whole gym. This just pushed me off my workout game for good.

Then came the illness. I had got some sort of infection in my lymph nodes under my arm and they had to keep medicating it and eventually cut it out. For two weeks I couldn’t move my arm, which means even running was out of the questions (swinging my arm like you do when you run also hurt). This additionally gave me the mental incentive to stop dieting and just eat. I told myself,”Your body needs more food to get better, you can start again when you’re better.”

Then came the drive. However, the onset of this drive was a little difference. Since I had conditioned myself to portion meals and limited eating, I didn’t really start getting a massive binge craving all of a sudden. In the beginning, I used to just eat a little here and there, and then one day I went out with some friends and had a large meal. I was so tensed that night about what the weighing scale would tell me the day after. And then, something amazing happened.

My weight hadn’t changed the next day. It was the same.

I felt so ecstatic. How was it that I had such a large meal and at the end of it, didn’t even gain a single gram? I thought for sure that I was going to go back to my old weight, but I stayed strong at 76 kg.

And then the temptation crept in.

“Why don’t you test your BMI? See how strong it is”

I decided to eat in moderate amounts all of the food I had been avoiding and check the scale every single day, and stop immediately if I saw any significant amount. I was more curious than anything to see at what point my body would break. Given the limited amount of on and off exercise I was doing, I had time to actually do this. I guess when you’re in the whole fitness zone, you’re in it. Once you’re thrown off, its really hard to get back on the horse, and things just escalate. In about two weeks I realized I wasn’t really experimenting anymore, I was just plain out binge eating. I also started getting massive sugar cravings. I’d eat at least 5 servings of ice cream in a day and top it off with all sorts of junk food.

Then things just got worse.

My gym reopened but by that time I was so off workouts that I didn’t really go regularly. This, added to the fact that my entire diet was thrown off just gave in to the regular binge eating. Additionally, my weight was going up at a really slow pace, which put another stupid thought in my mind.

“I’ll stop when I’m back at 80 kg. It will be easy to get back to 76 from there”

I don’t know why I’d think such a stupid thing. I guess I just wanted some sort of validation to start eating again. It wasn’t long before I started seeing myself on the same old binge cycle I described in the first post. It was really horrible because I blew almost all of my savings on my binge eating habits.I had previously saved up for a new wardrobe for when I lose weight, but almost all of it went into food.

I guess you have to hit rock bottom when you’re on a downward spiral, in order to get back up again and get on the horse.

My rock bottom was when my girlfriend told me I’m fat, and that I don’t look good as good as I used to. This just hit me really hard. The very next day I happened  to get an Instagram posts of one of the guys I went to school with. I never really liked the guy. He was rich and had everything I didn’t. I used to work hard in college with the hopes that one day I’ll be bigger than people like him. But then I saw  his picture. He looked shredded. He looked exactly like I wanted to look.

And I felt so miserable. I needed a solace. I needed a fix. I needed something to fill my emotional void.

I needed food.

On I went, eating more and more. I’d fill up on random rubbish I didn’t even like eating. I’d give myself the excuse that I’d start the next day that this was  going to be last binge and that was it. Slowly and slowly my arm started healing but I don’t know why, I just didn’t feel the same anymore.

I checked my weight two days ago. It was 81.5 kg.

And that was it.

Starting today, I begin working out again. I will begin eating moderately, and once every week I will cheat so that I don’t fall back hard. I am starting on Kris Gethin’s DTP workout. I don’t care anymore. I’m going to do this shit. If I fall sick, I’m still going to hold my diet pretty strong. I’m going to work out super hard. I’m going to LOVE working out. The sweat leaving my body, the endorphins rushing through my system, that clean feeling when I haven’t gorged on fried shit. I want that back. I want to feel good when I look in the mirror. I want to be able to wear good, fitting clothes with no part of my body bulging out. I want to try on new clothes and look good in them. I want my cheeks to be shaped and not puffed. I want to have good skin and good hair. I want to be able to run and climb a flight of stairs without gasping for breath. I want to be able to do at least 20 pull ups without stopping. I want that feeling of having worked out in a good way.

I’m starting now, and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. I hope I have your love and support. Thank you so much for reading my previous posts and giving me your supportive comments. I wrote this post, because I plan on reading it every single day when I wake up. I hope it helps those who have failed. Just get back on the horse.

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