Today’s day was…bad.
I feel like a complete and utter failure. Like the earth below me is no longer there. I want to go drown in a pool of shame with an anchor of all my maladies tied to me.
The problem is that if you had put anyone else in my place today, they would have thought today to be a really good day. It was a standard day, but not to someone like me. I feel terrible. And the worst part is that I don’t have anyone to share it with.
Let me back it up a bit.
I had to meet a friend and then my girlfriend at 11am today. They stay an hour’s distance away from where I live. And, in order to fulfill my work obligations and my gym obligation, I had to wake up at 7am today. I rushed to the gym and did the most rushed version of the workout possible. I ran for half the time that I was supposed to run and rushed through the weight lifting without any kind of a break between sets. At the end of it all I felt like my arms were paining, but not all that much.
When it comes to working out you have to understand to give it priority number one. I can’t reveal much over here but understand that this 12-week project is very important for me. You could say it’s my life’s goal for now. I have basically made a lot of sacrifices in my life in terms of career and dreams, and ultimately reached to a point where things like this have begun to matter. I’ve always looked at guys who are ripped and have the perfect body. There is no dearth of Instagram profiles, movies and TV shows to show you a myriad of guys out there. They’re ripped and they look good and pretty much every girl you know loves them. They may point out at other features but you know where they’re really looking.
However when it comes to all these trainers and fitness experts, or even the models or actors themselves they keep telling you that fitness is more important that having aesthetics.
ARE YOU FRIGGING KIDDING ME? YOU HAVE BICEPS THE SIZE OF WATERMELONS! YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT I SHOULD JUST ‘TAKE A WALK AROUND THE BLOCK’ AND EAT CLEAN AND THAT WILL HELP ME?!
They act as if the body they got is purely out of the pursuit of fitness and a healthy lifestyle. That doesn’t happen. If I were to lift weights every day till eternity and maintain a healthy diet (not a specific one, mind you, just a general healthy diet that isn’t junk food but isn’t completely macro balanced extra special expensive rainbows and puppies diet either), I’d still have a decent body. I wouldn’t be ripped or shredded like those models. I don’t have a problem with the fact that they go ahead and take extra measures to ensure that kind of a body, I just don’t like the lies. If you’re going to stop so much as drinking water before photoshoots, come clean about it and don’t create an illusion for all the aspiring people out there who want to be like you.
Anywho. I did finish my workout. I took some brown rice with me and went to my friends place. My lunch was as clean as can be. The only thing that went wrong is in the evening. It was raining heavily and I had to get a meal in and there was no place nearby that would cater to my health needs. I went to an eating joint and then my friend and I had half a roll (or frankie, depending on what you call it) each.
And then the drive began.
Before I knew it I was at the adjoining restaurant having waffles covered in chocolate sauce and what not. I had a chicken sandwich after that. Then I went with my friends to a restaurant and have chicken (steamed) wontons.I don’t know how good they are because my Noom coach says they’re red.
I know what you’re thinking. What’s the big deal?
It’s not about the wontons, or the waffles. it’s about breaking the commitment I made. I had promised myself I wouldn’t eat junk. And I went ahead and did exactly that. I did a half-assed workout and I ate junk. Great. JUST FUCKING GREAT.
The problem with peer pressure isn’t acceptance. The problem with peer pressure is obligations. I don’t want to look like a complete dick by not going to meet my girlfriend. I love her and want to spend time with her. She’s probably the best thing that’s happened to me. At the same time I don’t want to be a complete dick to a friend who’s been there for me during some trying times. All I have to do is accompany them, right? Well no, because then I put myself in a cycle where I just keep doing things according to what they want to do.
A very famous article on Cracked.com (link), one of the last sources on earth you’d expect to find inspiration, once said that when you decide to break out of your comfort zone, everyone in your comfort zone will go against you. This may include your daily set of friends and relatives, your girlfriend, and most importantly, your own brain. When we pick the easy life we make sure we wire our brain and make it the slave of these comforts where it can survive with minimum stress.
However when you put yourself through something that you are uncomfortable with, mentally and physically, like going to workout hard instead of staying home and gorging on chips in the comfort of your living room, your brain revolts. It puts up all sorts of images in your mind such as ‘It’s okay, skip it for one day. Do something else. It is the world that doesn’t understand. You’re special in your own way you don’t need to conform to the ways of the world’
The bad news is you’re not a special fucking snowflake. You’re just a mass of tissues and cells like every other human being on this planet. And you aren’t going to get what you want out of life by being in your comfort zone and feeling entitled to a better job, and a hot girlfriend.You have to work yourself towards those things. Instead of asking, “Why am I not getting those things?”, which basically makes you mentally shift the blame to things like luck and unnatural elements, you can ask yourself, “What can I do to put myself in a position where I get the things I want?” This has an immense difference in the way you think. It takes all the responsibility on you.
I’m going to bed now. I hate myself. Maybe that is how this disorder works but I freaking hate myself. But tomorrow is a new day. I’ll begin again. Not the workout though. That’s going to continue as it is.